This long weekend has gotten me all muddled up. I feel like I’ve lost a day somewhere, somehow.
This is not good. Not really. I need all the time that I can get.
The good news is that Lauren has been sleeping through til 230am for almost a week now, which means I’m getting 5+ hours in a row on most nights – go you good thing!
The not so great news is that the last thousand or so words of TCM have been total crap. My writing seems to be suffering from 5 months of accumulated broken sleep and it’s not really pleasant to look back on (the writing that is, these last 5 months have been a blast for the most part).
Part of me desperately wants to go back and fix all the issues. Part of me knows that’s a terrible idea because often that leads to never finishing something. Another part is suggesting that I could keep moving forward while working on fixing the issues as well, so as not to give up any momentum gained.
I still don’t know what to do about it. So, I guess that means I’ll keep writing in the meantime and see what happens.
The whole point of writing a first draft right now was to be writing despite the fact that it’s not my best work. I don’t want to give up on it, put it aside, not write while I am this tired just because I am tired – I can’t stop, I have to write.
A first draft is allowed to suck. Everything can be fixed in a second, third, whatever draft. A not so great first draft is a much better thing to have than a well built idea that’s yet to see daylight. And these are the things I need to keep telling myself.
I know my ideas are solid. I know this is going to be a really good read someday – its just a matter of being okay about the fact that it isn’t right now.
I can be okay about that.
And I can keep in mind that in another ten months Ivy will be at school, and Lauren will be one, and I WILL have more time to clean things up, to rewrite, to edit. I’ll have more than a half hour here and there to get stuck into my writing and when I get to that point I’ll have plenty of first drafts to pick and choose from.
In the meantime, I need to put worry aside and just enjoy writing for writings sake. So I guess there is the answer to my quandry – I’ll keep writing, and I can go back and clean it up later down the track.