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Head Bender

After writing this post I see that it might not make a whole lot of sense to some people, but I’m still going to post it. I feel the need. ‘Nuff said.

So, I’m working on the rewrite for a story I wrote years ago. About 5 years ago to be more precise. Merrilee asked for a read. I sent it through, giving all the right warnings (it’s a very early story and even I know its terrible!). It got me thinking about when I wrote it, the class I wrote it for, what was happening in my life back then – what happened before then to mean my life was in the place it was.

Far out. So much can change in just five years. Sitting here looking back, I can hardly believe just how much has changed. I would never in a million years have imagined that this is where I would be if I had tried to look 5 years into the future, thats for sure.

I’m in a much better space. I have everything I ever really wanted: a husband, kids, a house, my animals, a garden, fruit trees, hell I even have a section of white picket fencing. And I get to write every day. Doesn’t get a whole lot better than that. Of course being paid for what I do would be nice, but right now it’s not necessary πŸ˜‰

It was certainly a possibility that I might not be here at all. That I am is a credit to my family, and I guess to myself as well. Yeah, I’ll take some credit for that. It could have gone either way but I’m here and I’m strong. Stronger than I’ve ever been before, even in my weak moments.

Sometimes though, a trip down memory lane does boggle the mind. I think back to who I was then and it hits me right in the chest.

Cassie of more than five years ago, I do still feel your pain, even though I no longer have to live it. You might not be on the surface of me, waiting to crack, but you are there, comforted, loved and cushioned by the rest of me, the bits of me that aren’t broken.

And you know what? You make me a better person, and a better writer. I’ll never forget you.

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7 thoughts on “Head Bender”

  1. I’m going to give up trying to compose replies now, and just say that I think you’re amazing. In my experience, it’s so easy, as you start to emerge, to turn against the part of you that is/was broken or self destructive, and maybe it’s part of the process, but to be able to acknowledge and accept that person as part of you and then move on from there is incredible. I hope you’re proud of yourself πŸ˜€

    1. Thanks Anna πŸ™‚ that was a lovely comment to wake up to!

      I wouldn’t change anything thats gone before in my life, all those bits make me who I am even if they don’t directly impact on me the majority of the time. Better to know and love all of oneself than to segment chunks off. I think being ‘whole’ is better gift to myself than being ‘safe’ or ‘pain free’ – besides thats the beauty of being a writer! All experiences, good and bad, can be tapped into and used to create stories that touch people one way or another.

  2. Sending you big hugs!! It’s amazing what a set number of years can mean, illuminate, and to then see what sits in your hands today, so many blessings!!!

    Have such a lovely day! πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks Anna! Very many blessings, it’s amazing how much can change over even a short span of time. My life 5-8 years ago was on a completely different track thats for sure!

    1. yes, it does at times. Where I am at now is just so far removed from a lot of my life that it’s easy to think it didn’t happen at all from time to time. I think it’s just part of moving on and growing, you can’t stay stuck in the same place forever (well, actually, I know people who do, but I’d much rather not be one of them! lol)

  3. You are awesome! I don’t believe in regrets because I think everything that has happened to you, every decision that you’ve made, everything you’ve felt has all accumulated and made you the person you are today. If you love the person you are right now then how can you want to avoid the hard times you went through that have given you such strength now?

    You are awesome!

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