It might sound like one initially, but it’s not. It’s me being honest with myself, with the world, and trying to make a positive out of the not so positive way I’m feeling right now.
I don’t feel much like a person at the moment. I feel like a collection of roles. Mother, wife, cook, cleaner, supportive friend. I’m doing the basics and filling those roles well enough, but I don’t feel like a person in my own right.
I feel like a bore, like I’m not interesting, intelligent, funny or anything else really worth considering. I feel lacking in substance.
Which is not to say I’m unhappy. No, I am well and truly aware of just how blessed my life is. I’m just saying, I don’t feel like a person, I don’t feel like ME. I guess I’m yet to figure out who ‘me’ is now that ‘me’ is a mother of three. I keep finding myself wanting to reach out to people but then pulling back with the thought ‘what would I say? why would they want to communicate with me anyway?’
Which suggests that it’s time to start making some plans. It’s time to kick off the newborn days and get on with life. It has been SO easy not to push myself (and quite possibly very important to my sanity, who knows), and it would be easy to keep doing so. It’s hard work getting everything done on a regular basis, but I really think it’s time to start reclaiming a little bit of ‘me’ back from the collection of roles I have become.
I’ve decided that I now love rugby season. It means there are three nights a week where my husband will be glued to the TV. Theoretically I should be able to hand him the sleeping (or even the non-sleeping) babe and do my own thing for a little bit. With free hands. That’s a theory I’m going to be testing tonight, and hoping like hell it works. Even if I only had three evenings of relative freedom that would help me feel like a real person again.
I also need to get out of the house more. I should really start taking Lauren to the playgroup around the corner that I keep telling myself I will (starting next week, Natalie is getting her immunizations tomorrow morning so we’re not able to). I need to be outside enjoying the reasonable weather we’re having lately and exploring the world with Lauren. I need to start using my fabulous wrap to carry Natalie around in instead of thinking about it.
Sitting on the couch and watching crappy TV is far too easy. Using the newborn excuse is too easy as well. No-one expects a lot from me right now and thats great, but it’s not really doing anything to help me stay balanced. Natalie is six weeks old now and the reality is that things are a whole lot easier than they were three weeks ago, and they’ll continue to get easier. So I need to push the excuses aside and get on with life.
I need to figure out who I am again, one step at a time.