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This is NOT a ‘poor me’ post

It might sound like one initially, but it’s not. It’s me being honest with myself, with the world, and trying to make a positive out of the not so positive way I’m feeling right now.

I don’t feel much like a person at the moment. I feel like a collection of roles. Mother, wife, cook, cleaner, supportive friend. I’m doing the basics and filling those roles well enough, but I don’t feel like a person in my own right.

I feel like a bore, like I’m not interesting, intelligent, funny or anything else really worth considering. I feel lacking in substance.

Which is not to say I’m unhappy. No, I am well and truly aware of just how blessed my life is. I’m just saying, I don’t feel like a person, I don’t feel like ME. I guess I’m yet to figure out who ‘me’ is now that ‘me’ is a mother of three. I keep finding myself wanting to reach out to people but then pulling back with the thought ‘what would I say? why would they want to communicate with me anyway?’

Which suggests that it’s time to start making some plans. It’s time to kick off the newborn days and get on with life. It has been SO easy not to push myself (and quite possibly very important to my sanity, who knows), and it would be easy to keep doing so. It’s hard work getting everything done on a regular basis, but I really think it’s time to start reclaiming a little bit of ‘me’ back from the collection of roles I have become.

Starting tonight.

I’ve decided that I now love rugby season. It means there are three nights a week where my husband will be glued to the TV. Theoretically I should be able to hand him the sleeping (or even the non-sleeping) babe and do my own thing for a little bit. With free hands. That’s a theory I’m going to be Β testing tonight, and hoping like hell it works. Even if I only had three evenings of relative freedom that would help me feel like a real person again.

I also need to get out of the house more. I should really start taking Lauren to the playgroup around the corner that I keep telling myself I will (starting next week, Natalie is getting her immunizations tomorrow morning so we’re not able to). I need to be outside enjoying the reasonable weather we’re having lately and exploring the world with Lauren. I need to start using my fabulous wrap to carry Natalie around in instead of thinking about it.

Sitting on the couch and watching crappy TV is far too easy. Using the newborn excuse is too easy as well. No-one expects a lot from me right now and thats great, but it’s not really doing anything to help me stay balanced. Natalie is six weeks old now and the reality is that things are a whole lot easier than they were three weeks ago, and they’ll continue to get easier. So I need to push the excuses aside and get on with life.

I need to figure out who I am again, one step at a time.

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22 thoughts on “This is NOT a ‘poor me’ post”

  1. Boy do I remember those days!

    I think your idea of reclaiming some ‘me’ time during the rugby is awesome! Well done you.

    Wow, the last six weeks have truly flown by!!!

    *hugs*

    Cat xx

    1. *hugs* Cat, thanks πŸ™‚ the last six weeks certainly have gone by faster than I ever imagined they would. And I can’t think of anything better to do while the rugby is on that something for myself πŸ™‚

  2. It’s a transition and you’re doing it with very full hands. But recognizing that it NEEDS to occur is huge! How many let their lives (and themselves) slip away too afraid to confront the challenges?

    GO RUGBY! πŸ™‚ GO CASSIE!! I’m looking forward to hearing what happens next!

    (Six weeks??? Natalie is six weeks already???)

    1. yes, six and a half weeks now lol going by too fast. I didn’t manage it last night (he decided not to watch it after all… played computer games instead), but I wrote today and feel better for it πŸ™‚

  3. Even one baby made me feel like an unperson. I can’t imagine caring for three! It’s hard to function and feel like you are worth anything more than caretaker. Your husband should absolutely be able to take over even just a few nights a week so you can focus on CASSIE TIME. He’ll appreciate it, too – it’ll bring parts of the you back that he knows, loves & might miss. Good luck!

    OH & I LOVE LOVE LOVE RUGBY! We used to get a channel that played it all the time, & one summer I spent the whole Super 12 glued to the screen, madly in love with the Brumbies. I miss those days 😦

    1. aww, you know, I hate to admit it, but I have gone from loathing rugby to (I really hate saying it) actually enjoying it. I find myself getting excited and cheering and whatnot… oh man, me of a few years ago would totally slap me for saying that… guess it’s a good thing she’s disappeared πŸ˜‰

      That said, I intend to sit with the laptop in the lounge so that I um, still see some of the game… while I get my writing done πŸ™‚

  4. Wow. I can’t believe it’s already been 6 weeks!

    I can totally relate to this. It’s something I’ve really been working on over the last 6 months or so. How to honor my self the individual as well as the homemaker. A challenge…but I’m slowly uncovering the layers that have accumulated and discovering the me deep within.

    1. it’s great to hear other people are feeling the need to do the same, good luck with the process. I think it definitely takes some time and commitment.

  5. Wow. I feel like that we I do work-me, wife-me, writer-me and gym-me let alone have babies to care about. If I don’t get me time where I can reflect and connect with myself again I feel off. I hope rugby season works out for you and if you think to reach out to someone do, even if it’s just to say hi.

    Hi *waves*

    1. Hi πŸ™‚ posting this has really helped, seeing other people in the same spot, knowing that I do have friends who think I’m interesting and all. It was the first step for me πŸ™‚ balance is something we all have to strive for!

  6. It’s been 6 weeks? Wow… time flies. I love your plan to reclaim parts of yourself and some time for you with gentle, doable activities and goals. J.C. seems pretty worth reclaiming, from all I’ve seen…

    I cannot imagine what you’ve been through, however, so I still say give yourself some latitude, too. I’ve never had to deal with a newborn for more than a few minutes. πŸ˜‰ When I was a nanny, it was to three under three at first, but none of them younger than 10 months. Newborns seem to be designed to drag people’s willpower and energy levels under the floorboards, from what I’ve observed over the years.

    Sending you a hug and best wishes for renewed energy and a return to fabulous “you.” πŸ™‚

    1. thank you Meredith! definitely starting small and building up. Finding the balance between making progress and not pushing too hard or expecting too much. Babies are only little for such a short time – gotta make the most of that!

  7. my babies lived / currently live in the wrap. It was a life savour in so many ways. have you used it before?

    it is so easy to get comfortable in a nest, and not want to leave it, or even let any one in. but, as you say, we loose ourselves there. all of my blogging and critiquing have been done with one hand while baby sleeps on me and I rock – but it keeps me aware of myself in ways other than your list (mine is the same! – don’t forget being a constant food source!)

    i find it amazing how there is such a clear distinction between pre baby and post baby. You are on your way!

    1. Thanks Jennifer πŸ™‚ Nice to know someone in the same boat πŸ˜‰

      I used the wrap with Lauren, and earlier with Natalie. For the last few weeks she’s been a ratbag in it – pushing up with her feet a lot, which isn’t comfy for either of us. I think she’s too young to take out of the newborn position tho? I will have to double check that. I remember Lauren going through the same phase about this time as well.

      1. do you have her in the cradle positiion? My kids hated that one (especially the latest one!). I kept them tummy to tummy, with feet tucked in untill 5 weeks, and then the legs can be seperated more. It’s safe at 5 to 6 weeks to seperate their legs. does that help?

    1. I think the ‘mother’ role is big, no matter how many kids you have. It’s easy to let it overwhelm other things.

      It bombed last night cause he switched to computer gaming, but I think tonights game should be a winner.

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