As those of you who follow me on twitter or are friends on facebook will know, yesterday I had to put my dog to sleep. I was recently considering rehoming her, but that was making me incredibly depressed, and then all of a sudden she stopped being her regular bouncy, barky, full of life self.
I knew something was wrong. I knew it two days before I took her to the vet. In fact, if I’m honest, I knew it when she threw up a couple times 2 weeks ago. Everyone kept saying ‘dogs throw up, they eat stuff they shouldn’t, she’ll be fine.’ And I wanted to believe them. After that she was fine, perky as ever. Why was I worried?
But I was. It was gnawing away at me. I couldn’t handle the thought that she’d be with someone else and then things would go bad. So after a couple days of not eating a lot, not barking at all, and being pretty plain miserable, I took her to the vet. They did an xray and ultra sound, took a sample, and while it wasn’t conclusive, the way they explained it to me it sounded very unpleasant.
She had a massive tumor in her spleen, her system was in shock, she was uncomfortable and miserable, she’d lost a huge amount of weight very quickly. They could operate, but there was every chance it wasn’t just in her spleen, there was no guarantee she would make it, or that her quality of life would be great afterwards. I couldn’t bear to see her suffering. I couldn’t let it drag on. So we made the difficult decision to put her to sleep.
And it sucks. There is a huge hole in our lives. I grated cheese for dinner last night and got to the end of the block. I threw the last bit out to her and she wasn’t there to catch it. I keep closing the gate and then remembering that I don’t need to. She’s not there. People come and go, and there is no barking and as much as it drove me bonkers and I was sick to death of it, I miss it. It’s too quiet without her. I keep listening for those little sounds: drinking her water, rustling around on her couch, her deep soulful sighs and adorable puppy whimpers while she slept.
Anyway. I’m okay. I’m at peace with what we had to do. She’s at peace now. We’ll move on from this and it will be okay. I just miss her something fierce.
Again, if I’m honest, I’m pleased it ended this way. Selfish as that may seem – I think it would have broken both our hearts if she’d been re-homed. I’m glad I got to be there with her to the end. I’m glad that I was there to hold her, to tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I was to see her go, while she passed.
She was one of my babies, our babies, and will be sorely missed. She was a loving, faithful companion. A wonderful, charismatic creature, who can never be replaced.
RIP Kali-Ma, my camera shy dog.