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…and then life kicks you in the ass

As those of you who follow me on twitter or are friends on facebook will know, yesterday I had to put my dog to sleep. I was recently considering rehoming her, but that was making me incredibly depressed, and then all ย of a sudden she stopped being her regular bouncy, barky, full of life self.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it two days before I took her to the vet. In fact, if I’m honest, I knew it when she threw up a couple times 2 weeks ago. Everyone kept saying ‘dogs throw up, they eat stuff they shouldn’t, she’ll be fine.’ And I wanted to believe them. After that she was fine, perky as ever. Why was I worried?

But I was. It was gnawing away at me. I couldn’t handle the thought that she’d be with someone else and then things would go bad. So after a couple days of not eating a lot, not barking at all, and being pretty plain miserable, I took her to the vet. They did an xray and ultra sound, took a sample, and while it wasn’t conclusive, the way they explained it to me it sounded very unpleasant.

She had a massive tumor in her spleen, her system was in shock, she was uncomfortable and miserable, she’d lost a huge amount of weight very quickly. They could operate, but there was every chance it wasn’t just in her spleen, there was no guarantee she would make it, or that her quality of life would be great afterwards. I couldn’t bear to see her suffering. I couldn’t let it drag on. So we made the difficult decision to put her to sleep.

And ย it sucks. There is a huge hole in our lives. I grated cheese for dinner last night and got to the end of the block. I threw the last bit out to her and she wasn’t there to catch it. I keep closing the gate and then remembering that I don’t need to. She’s not there. People come and go, and there is no barking and as much as it drove me bonkers and I was sick to death of it, I miss it. It’s too quiet without her. I keep listening for those little sounds: drinking her water, rustling around on her couch, her deep soulful sighs and adorable puppy whimpers while she slept.

Anyway. I’m okay. I’m at peace with what we had to do. She’s at peace now. We’ll move on from this and it will be okay. I just miss her something fierce.

Again, if I’m honest, I’m pleased it ended this way. Selfish as that may seem – I think it would have broken both our hearts if she’d been re-homed. I’m glad I got to be there with her to the end. I’m glad that I was there to hold her, to tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I was to see her go, while she passed.

She was one of my babies, our babies, and will be sorely missed. She was a loving, faithful companion. A wonderful, charismatic creature, who can never be replaced.

RIP Kali-Ma, my camera shy dog.

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23 thoughts on “…and then life kicks you in the ass”

  1. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ You have me in tears over here, you know. *Hugs* I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m going to go hug my kitties nowโ€”I’d be horribly sad to have to lose either one of them, so I can only imagine how you feel.

    1. Thanks, Em. She was a beautiful dog. I always smile when I think about her and Bessie playing tug of war when we visited you guys in Palmy that time! lol

  2. It’s amazing how much a part of our lives our pets are. We had to put my cat down 2 years back and it was completely hard crushing for me. He’d been my baby, and was so old and wretched that we had no choice in the end, same as you. It’s sad, and even recently I saw a picture of a cat that was so much like my old Socs that I got all teary. I’m sorry for you and your family.How are your girls handling it?

    1. The girls are doing surprisingly well. Lauren tells everyone about how Kali was sad, and she had a sore tummy, that she went to the Dr’s to have a big sleep. Now she is in Puppy Heaven (she LOVES saying Puppy Heaven!). Ivy hasn’t shed a tear since we told her, but she keeps asking why Kali had to go, and I keep explaining it was because she was very sick. She too likes the idea of Puppy Heaven. I think I’m the only one crying still! lol but then she was my baby, so it’s to be expected

  3. Sorry to hear this. I know how you feel, yet the best option is the one which is in the interest of the pet. Take the time to grieve properly, and think about all the fun you gave to Kali. She wouldn’t want you to be miserable.

    1. No, she wouldn’t ๐Ÿ™‚ I really miss her, but I have so many great memories, and I’m relieved for her that she’s not suffering. I completely agree – gotta do what is in the best interest of the pet!

  4. They become such a part of our lives, as adored, lovable and sometimes annoying as all the rest of family. The most humane last act for her was offered in love and sorrow, and yes, she is at peace now. Thinking of you all…

    1. Thanks, Anna ๐Ÿ™‚ We’re all doing pretty well. I keep thinking that this way was easier than many of the nightmares I’ve had over the years (running in front of a car etc).

  5. Oh, honey. I know I told you on Twitter but I’m so sorry. -hugs- We just recently put one of ours down too and it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I still do things like pause at the door and wait for her to come along to go outside, or look for her in the place we normally kept her bed.

    And amusingly enough, she was one of the barkers in our family too… amazing how I miss the barking now when it drove me crazy at time when we had her. -hugs- If you need to talk, just give me a poke.

    1. It is funny how you miss even the things that drove you mad. I guess even though they are annoying habits, they are so much a part of your daily existence that it’s impossible not to feel a void!

  6. Really sad for you, but loved reading your post here about everything. You were clearly a wonderful mumma to Kali and she will always remember I’m sure. Thoughts with you xx

  7. A year and a half ago, our dog was suffocating from acute laryngeal paralysis and we had to put her to sleep. She was the greatest dog ever, the perfect family pet. My husband was so use to sharing his morning toast with her, that he completely changed his morning routine. At odd moments, she comes to mind and I get that pang of loss all over again. Just saying this because I do know how you feel. I’m sad for your loss, but happy you got to be with her to the end.

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