life, Maiden mother crone, March, writing

March! Autumn! Huzzah!

Autumn is probably my favourite season of the year, and I am SO happy it’s here!

IMG_20160227_162133We spent most of the last week at a camp down in Foxton with other homeschooling families, and while it was nice to get away and make some new friends, I am really pleased to be home. Back in my own space, with less noise. I did love being in the tent though, and was pleased to find that the whole family can cope with camping – even my super townie husband. I see many more camping trips in our future.

Back to the point of this post though… The time away gave me plenty of space to think. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes it’s not so good. As you might know, I’ve been slowly reducing my medication (that’s going well!), and have just this past week come to the realization that actually my depression might be a symptom of anxiety, rather than the other way around. I’m not feeling depressed, though as I drop my dosage, I can hear the voice of anxiety coming back. So that gives me something else to work on. It’s good to narrow it down.

In writing news, I’ve been flailing a bit with the third book in the Maiden, Mother, Crone trio. I know what needs to happen, but the middle is sagging and I feel like it’s not got as much depth as the previous books. I’ve made the executive decision to press pause on it for now while I go back and edit book two, as I think that will help me strengthen the final part of the series.

Flailing, in general, seems to be a good word to sum up where I am at. Lots of things have been happening and I am struggling to find balance and time, and motivation to get all the things done that I would like. This first chunk of the year seems to have been filled with death and illness, and I’m not loving it. I don’t like seeing the people I care about hurting or struggling, and there is not always a lot I can do about it. What I can do though, is take better care of myself. It’s a wake up call that I’m getting older, and that good health isn’t a given.

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life, writing

Post study – update one

I’m about 10 days out of student life, and while things are looking good, there are certainly carryovers of study life that I am yet to shake.

Like, the horrible level of anxiety which crept up on me over the last few months. I think that this will start to dissipate once a few thing happen – namely, I have the results of my final assignments back and know 100% without a doubt that I’m done. And when I have Lauren’s home schooling approval sorted as well. Right now, both of those things are weighing on my mind an awful lot, to the point where some days it’s hard to get motivated to do anything outside of be here with my kids and facilitate their awesome learning experiences. I’m really enjoying just being with them and not thinking about the essay I should be working on.

However, I still feel like I should be working on an essay!!! This year was intense as I took on a halftime course load on top of life (which is always busy anyway). I have these little panic attacks where I’m sure I’ve forgotten something. I check frequently that I actually DID hand in those last assignments on time and that there aren’t any I somehow forgot about – I guess having that wrong final date in mine for the last one is probably to thank for this. Again, I hope this will be over once I have those final grades. It would be kind of awesome if I could get through a few days without having an anxiety/panic attack or freaking myself out.

I love the irony that I’ve got a Post Grad Diploma in Counselling but can’t seem to talk myself into feeling better about all of this. I know all the techniques, but it’s always harder to apply them to oneself 😉

In more positive news, I managed to take that week off (mostly)! Afterwards, I realized I probably need more like a month, in a isolated cabin, where someone else is catering to my every need and I can just sleep 16 hours a day and read the rest. Unfortunately, that’s never going to happen, so I am going to have to try and take it easy on myself over the next wee while, and let myself take breaks when I need them. I’ve come to realize that I feel responsible for much more than I really am, and am working on stepping back and shaking loose some things I don’t need/want anymore.

And, finally, in some writing news, I am working on my final final final edit for In The Spirit!! This novella will be released on Dec 1st, and I’m thoroughly excited about it! I’ll share more in the near future, once I have my head around the whole thing 🙂

I hope you guys are all doing well! Can you believe it’s November soon? I’m trying not to get panicky about that. It doesn’t take much right now though lol.

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Take a deep breath

This month seems to have been one long stretch of anxiety for me. Not over the top, though I can feel it now, in my chest, like spiders roaming, scratching me with their little legs, threatening to crawl up my throat and force their way out my mouth and nose.

It’s Lauren’s 1st birthday party on Saturday, and there are going to be lots of people here. Yeah I love them all, know them all – invited them all – but that doesn’t mean I’m actually comfortable having that many people in my house. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pressure to live up to expectations and needs of those individuals. I’m an introvert, and while I do the best I can at these social gatherings, I don’t actually enjoy them a whole lot.

Which makes me sad, not because I don’t enjoy the social gatherings, but because I don’t want to miss out on the fun side of Lauren’s first birthday.

At Ivy’s 4th, I spent most of it running around, making sure the food was sorted, and everyone had a drink and the kids were catered to and there was always toilet paper in the loo (that no one had peed on the floor – 4yr old boys lol aim is not always the best). And I desperately don’t want to spend Lauren’s 1st birthday doing the same thing. Which means finding people I can trust to delegate tasks to, and putting myself into the middle of the occasion regardless of how uncomfortable that can make me.

Ack.

Anyways… with the spiders in my chest, a sick babe, and mountains of housework to get through before the coming weekend, I’ve not been getting a whole lot done. I’m exhausted, and stressed. I can barely think straight and yet I have this urge to get back to creating. I just have to get through this crit and then I’m having a well deserved break before November hits and I’m into the mad writing. Not that it’s that mad, I’m still fairly convinced I’ll just slip back into old habits (fingers crossed).

So, today I am going to get a little planning done. I AM. My brain started to kick into gear with thoughts of the next novel without my requesting it to, so I’m very thankful that it’s co-operating. The first major task is to be taking another look at the characters and solidifying them more, I felt like some of them didn’t stay true to who they were in the first book, while others grew into more than I had imagined before I put them on the page. Once that’s done I’ll have a better idea of where the storyline for the third book will take me.

And I’m off… Ivy needs a bath and I’ve got washing to fold and put away.