This month seems to have been one long stretch of anxiety for me. Not over the top, though I can feel it now, in my chest, like spiders roaming, scratching me with their little legs, threatening to crawl up my throat and force their way out my mouth and nose.
It’s Lauren’s 1st birthday party on Saturday, and there are going to be lots of people here. Yeah I love them all, know them all – invited them all – but that doesn’t mean I’m actually comfortable having that many people in my house. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pressure to live up to expectations and needs of those individuals. I’m an introvert, and while I do the best I can at these social gatherings, I don’t actually enjoy them a whole lot.
Which makes me sad, not because I don’t enjoy the social gatherings, but because I don’t want to miss out on the fun side of Lauren’s first birthday.
At Ivy’s 4th, I spent most of it running around, making sure the food was sorted, and everyone had a drink and the kids were catered to and there was always toilet paper in the loo (that no one had peed on the floor – 4yr old boys lol aim is not always the best). And I desperately don’t want to spend Lauren’s 1st birthday doing the same thing. Which means finding people I can trust to delegate tasks to, and putting myself into the middle of the occasion regardless of how uncomfortable that can make me.
Anyways… with the spiders in my chest, a sick babe, and mountains of housework to get through before the coming weekend, I’ve not been getting a whole lot done. I’m exhausted, and stressed. I can barely think straight and yet I have this urge to get back to creating. I just have to get through this crit and then I’m having a well deserved break before November hits and I’m into the mad writing. Not that it’s that mad, I’m still fairly convinced I’ll just slip back into old habits (fingers crossed).
So, today I am going to get a little planning done. I AM. My brain started to kick into gear with thoughts of the next novel without my requesting it to, so I’m very thankful that it’s co-operating. The first major task is to be taking another look at the characters and solidifying them more, I felt like some of them didn’t stay true to who they were in the first book, while others grew into more than I had imagined before I put them on the page. Once that’s done I’ll have a better idea of where the storyline for the third book will take me.
And I’m off… Ivy needs a bath and I’ve got washing to fold and put away.