I feel like a cheat

I set myself goals for the Creativity Workshop that I thought would challenge me. I really did believe that to be the case (other than the last block because, well, I should have a baby by then…).

I was scared of Delaney and opening up her world. So afraid that I had put her off for months until I simply couldn’t any longer. And then as soon as I opened the door and let her in she gave me everything I needed. She didn’t devour me as I had feared, the story ideas did not consume me or take over all my waking thoughts.

In some ways, that was a bit of a letdown. I mean, I love her, love her story, but it simply wasn’t a challenge like I thought it would be. I faced my fear, and it turned out to be something I really didn’t have to worry about at all. Shadows instead of monsters. I should be happy about that right? Except that I didn’t get any grand revelations out of it, other than knowing for sure that the story is one I definitely want to pursue. I learned a lot about the world, fleshed out my concepts more and have a solid base from which to work now. That IS a good thing. It just didn’t feel like a challenge.

And now here I am, working on action stories that appear to be writing themselves. This should have been a challenge. I don’t DO action a lot – though now that I think about it, I realize there has been action in stories I’ve written, just not stories that have been driven by so much of it… if that makes sense.

Maybe it’s like when you buy a new car. It’s a type you don’t know that well. You’ve hardly seen them around before and yet once you’ve got yours they are everywhere. It seems as though every other person drives one.

That’s not actually the case, but your perception has shifted so that now you are actually looking for your make/model, and you see it everywhere.

Maybe I wasn’t looking for the action before. I certainly wasn’t seeing it. Perhaps it was there all along, just not in the front of my mind. Now that I am looking for it, it seems easy. I can pull this off.

Again, no grand revelations just yet. No huge learning curve. I know there are still a few weeks to go, but the ease at which these stories are being written seems ridiculous and I really do feel as though I am cheating on my goals somehow.

I didn’t set them up to be easy. I wanted to focus on facing my fears and trying new things. It just seems that those fears, and those new things, weren’t quite the challenges I thought they would be.

That said, it’s probably for the best right? If I was coming against too many big walls right now I probably would be putting it off and not getting anything done, instead I’m actually making some progress even though we’re only 18 days away from baby’s estimated arrival.

Again, throwing my hands up. I’m going with the flow here, but had to confess to feeling like I’d taken the easy path. Not on purpose of course, I love a good challenge, but I guess sometimes thats just how it works out.


8 thoughts on “I feel like a cheat”

  1. Maybe by facing your fears you have discovered they were not really fears at all, but merely challenges you had not allowed yourself to face. Maybe you’ve had more of a revelation than you believe. Just saying.

    18 days – Seems like only yesterday you said it was six weeks. Geesh!

    1. I know! lol the next couple of weeks (and then months) are going to disappear very quickly I imagine.

      You might be right. It just doesn’t feel like a big revelation – I do feel more confident though, in that I know even when i think something is a challenge, I can tackle it. It’s just a matter of diving in and trusting yourself.

  2. Baby will be enough of a challenge, J.C.!

    I think you should rejoice in your talent, inspiration, and the flow of words. 😀 How could any of that be cheating?

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