Well, we’re almost through the first month of the year, and I have very little to report. The three weeks I had booked out as ‘holiday’ quickly become a month, and more – and seeing as February arrives in just a few days, I’ve decided (with a little help from my friends) to officially declare January a holiday month.
This is completely abnormal for me. I don’t do holidays or relaxing very well, but right now, I can’t seem to summon the energy for much of anything else. Which really bugs me. I had big plans for the year, and right now, I can’t be bothered with any of them.
So, it’s time to go back to the Doctor. For me, there is little worse than feeling so blah. I can barely summon the emotion to feel upset, or happy, about anything. It’s like I am in zombieland. I would rather feel something – anything – than nothing. My creativity has entirely dried up, and even when I know doing something should make me feel better, I can’t make myself. I feel like I should hate feeling like this, but you know what? I cant even tap into that emotion right now. I’m living in a world of meh, where everything is grey and the air is dust. There is no joy here. And I need that to change. I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel authentic.
I think I want off my meds. Which scares me a little too, because I don’t want what I was feeling before either, and I’m not really sure what to expect. What comes next? I’ve been on this path since April last year, increasing dosages every 3-4 months as I flatline again, and again. Ug.
Mental illness sucks. But I know I don’t want this place where I’m at right now, and I know that I will try a whole lot of other things to find a way out of it, to find a place where I can feel joy again, because I want to be present in my own life, living it, not just walking through it in a daze. My family deserves that, and I deserve that too.
I AM okay. There is no need to worry about me, and I tell you that honestly. Life is a journey, and I will keep on travelling.